not too sure

I’m kinda worried about how my body is going to react to these new medications. My ocd medication has been known to cause anorexia. Yes it has been mostly in patients over 60 years old but I have only taken one dose and that was last night. Today I drank a frappe  (I know healthy right) and I got so full I thought I might get sick. I still had to eat lunch. I didn’t eat breakfast. I ate maybe 5 bites of my lunch before I gave up and gave it to my dog. That was 5 hours ago. I’m still laying here full as full can be. I can definitely understand how that medication can cause eating problems. If I didn’t know better than to force myself to get vitamins and everything else. Well…yeah i would have problems. Another thing I am worried about is one of my medications is known to cause low blood pressure. That wouldn’t be so much of a problem if I had high blood pressure which if they went only off their records from their office might suggest. Unfortunately that’s not the case. My blood pressure is actually mostly low already. When I was in the hospital back in September for surgery they wouldn’t release me until my blood pressure went up. keep in mind I had absolutely no pain medication in my system. I refused all pain medication because I was not in any pain after my surgery yet we could not get my blood pressure to go over 80/57. When I was in the hospital prior to that with pain medication in my system my blood pressure dropped all the way down to 52/36. Just this Tuesday my blood pressure was 110/70 which is luckily normal but then the next day at the psychiatrists office it was 136/70 so I really don’t understand. what I’m getting at is with how sensitive my blood pressure gets is it safe to have me on a medication that is known to cause low blood pressure? It’s listed as one of the top side effects on the list for most common. I wasn’t aware of this until after I left his office. Is this a common side effect for bipolar medications? Is there something I can do to counteract this? I have had blood work done and all of my levels came back normal.

and this is why…

My dad refuses to drive with me. He won’t let me listen to music. Ever. 😦 protip. This is loud.

looking back…

A few decisions I have made over the last year have definitely have been during periods of mania. when I was with my first boyfriend there was a lot of stuff going on with my father. Job related things. unfortunately the stress that I was putting on myself definitely set me into a period of mania. I went to my boyfriends apartment completely delusional and in tears. I knew my dad was going to step down as a supervisor and I didn’t want to be responsible for paying for everything (again) (this happened once before and sent me into financial ruins). My idea? I was going to move out? Where was I going to go? I went and talked to my friend that I had just started talked to again three days prior. Did I mention that this friend and I virtually hated each others guts four days prior? Like we literally spread the nastiest shit about each other at work. Yeah it was bad. Our idea? We would move in together. I talked to my boyfriend whom I had only been dating a month. We had already been talking about marriage. He gave me a key. Seriously. At the time this all seemed like the perfect idea. This was all going on behind my parents back. I wasn’t going to tell them until the day I was leaving. They were fucking me over anyways. Why should I have any decency towards them? What did they ever do for me? Seriously this is how fucked up I was. Then my boyfriend found out about how I lost my virginity. Which mind you I was friends with my boyfriend when it happened. He was one of the first people I told. I continued to sleep with the person I lost my virginity to even when he moved to bismarck. My boyfriend knew this. It was well before we were together. he knew my past. I knew his. Turns out the girl I was going to move in with lied to him and told him some nasty things that werent true because I told her husband about her cheating which was true. At least I didn’t lie. Luckily I never moved in with him or I would have been screwed

Well three days later I got drunk at my best friends house and this guy came over that I had never met before. I ended up sleeping with him in her living room. I wasn’t depressed whatsoever about my ex. Actually I don’t think i ever actually loved him. I wanted to but I don’t think I ever did. I forced myself to. At this point I was still in a state of mania. I ended up sleeping with him 5 times at entire weekend. Honestly I have never slept with someone more than 5 times. My average is 4. The guy I lost my virginity to is 4. My first ex is 4. He was 5. My last ex was 2 (Or 3) depending on if he actually did have sex with me in my sleep. He has randomly texted me since trying to meet up with me to hang out but I haven’t seen him since. There was a couple of times I have seen him since that weekend but once was just hanging out at my friends apartment…no alcohol involved. The other was at the bar while I was with my exboyfriend.

After I started dating last ex my best friend asked me if I wanted to move in. At this point my emotions were completely unstable and I should have known that I should not have agreed to anything. I agreed to move in. Again this was behind my parents back. I told my parents the day before I moved out. the day I moved out I knew I needed to think about it more but I didn’t because I was so delusional. I’m not sure what I was thinking. 3 people in a one bedroom apartment. Then the next day I got a dog so we had 2 dogs as well. It was a disaster. I ended up In the hospital a week later because my stress caused me to have a gallbladder attack. I was alone. I called my dad and he met me there. Within weeks I was having my first surgery ever. It was that moment that I was alone and in so much pain that I realized what my rationality does to me. It was my choice to be alone that night. It was me going through one of my many mood swings.

I never even really realized that my main episodes really last as long as they did. Even though my moods change rapidly throughout the day I still have the delusional mania throughout it. I go through these spurts where I think I’m constantly being watched and going to get fired from my job even though I have done nothing wrong to constitute getting fired…in fact I’m one of the best workers they have. That’s not my ego either. If you could see some of the other workers you would understand.y thoughts are constantly racing and I’m constantly paranoid. I’m hoping these new meds for Ocd help that. I really just never realized how much of a pull bipolar disorder has on my life. I really feel like I have no control of what I do. I need to stop doing stupid things before I end up dead in a ditch.

well now..

Due to my recent manic episodes I have been diagnosed with type one bipolar disorder with rapid cycling. Instead of abilify I am going to be put on some medication that starts with an R. I am also on a medication that’s strictly for the ocd. I will still take the topamax. Probably a good thing I didn’t tell the doctor about my recent run of going out without telling anyone with a complete stranger. Oh yeah…my parents had no idea where I was. Looking back…not my brightest of ideas but looking back neither was sleeping with someone 15 minutes after I met him in my best friends living room. You live and learn. Live and learn…the things bipolar disorder does to you when you go through manic episodes. I would have never done that shit. Probably never would have done half the shit I have done in the last two years honestly. Drinking? yeah I never knew my mental illness could cause me to do the things I did like drink how I did for a while. Or do the things I did while drunk. bipolar disorder is nothing to screw around with. Getting help is the best thing I can do for myself. It is the only way that I will ever find true happiness without living in a blur and a clusterfuck of what life should really be like. I would never wish this on anyone. if you or anyone you love struggles with bipolar disorder you know what the struggle is like. This is nothing to poke fun at. it isn’t a joke. This is a real disease. It is not depression though you can cycle through it. It is everything all in one. I never know whether I’m coming or going. One thing can make me happy one day and another the same thing can piss me off. Just tell me something will work. I don’t wanna be in my head right now.

seriously?

I saw my psychiatrist todaY. We both agreed seroquel is not for me. we decided to try abilify. Fast forward to me picking up my script. My copay is $911. Say what?!? You mean to tell me my fucking so-called “best” insurance in the state is not going to cover this whatsoever. Needless to say I’m waiting for a call back now to find out the next plan on action. I do not work to pay for medication. Yes that is less than one paycheck but that is for one month supply. No thank you. Not to mention that’s only one medication. My dad about passed out when I told him. I knew this could happen eventually but seriously not to that extent. I am completely at a loss. I’m really not sure how much longer I can handle these mood swings either. I’m losing my mind here.

this is not a test

So in time my life has definitely become more complicated. I take back wanting to grow up. Can I just be young and not have 5 million responsibilities? I mean…I can totally pass as a teenager anyways.  anyways…ha. I totally wanted to kill when I took that picture. Probably not the best alibi in the world. “I woke up like this.” No really I did. Well…I have been having one of those days today where it just seems like everything is not falling in place and it is driving me to insanity. Nothing is in order and it’s all a disaster. what is worse is I just cannot seem to get a handle on things today emotionally. My moods are just an uphill battle today and I feel like I’m falling downhill.  I am not sure what is going on reallt except that things just are not what they seem. Today is just a lot worse than normal and i cannot seem to explain this at all. It seems like yesterdays encounter made things a lot worse in my head. No one in my real world knows I still feel this way about him. Everyone thinks I got over him long ago. January 26, 2014 to be exact. I wonder if the fact my dad hates his guts influences my emotions whatsoever. He actually said he would take me home a few times when my dad and I used to carpool and my dad was like …anyone but him. also I think my dad kinda felt threatened because we definitely live out of town by about 25 minutes and he lived like 5 minutes away from work…yeah. did I ever mention there was definite mutual flirting and if the bosses ever were looking for him they would just come find me first? How can you get over someone like that? No really can you?

on the path to rock bottom?

Seriously I’m in a mood and I can’t even explain it. My entire outlook on life has shifted. It’s amazing how one person can do that to you. The person I met that I thought was amazing went from one day meaning so much to me to absolutely nothing. He did absolutely nothing wrong. This was all me. Sorry dude. I don’t get why my mind does this. I can seriously just kick someone out of my life for no apparent reason just like that. Go from talking everyday to absolutely no contact and it have no effect on me whatsoever. I have only ever been truly in love once in my life. When I say truly in love I mean in love in such a way that I haven’t been able to let go. This person still haunts me to this day. In fact I saw this person yesterday. Needless to say I’m on a downward spiral to crazy town and visitors need not follow. But fuck man. He was my best friend and in many ways in my heart he still Is. I still feel the need to protect him. My bipolar ways still make me hate him on some days and I say some nasty things but I don’t mean them it’s just me trying to get over him. We were never together but we acted it. We made out at the company Christmas party and I told him I loved him. A week later we stopped talking because the rumors at work were just too much. I still love him though. We are still friends on Facebook and every time I see him at work now (which is only on overtime days) my heart beats faster and all I want to do is tell him I’m sorry for everything that happened. Tell him I’m getting help. he’s the only person for a long time in my real world that I confided in about my mental health. He’s the only one who knows about my past cutting. I know about everything in his past. The good the Bad and the ugly and I accepted him when most people would run. I wish I had him back. Right now he’s the only thing that makes sense to me in this twisted life And I’m sick of judging guys on how much they get me over him. Seriously that’s not healthy Ash.

i swear…

For every weekend I make it through work without getting fired it is a miracle. Let me explain. I want to beat this girl. Seriously. The amount of times I need to just walk away from her is unbelievable and I’m not the only one. How she still has a job is beside me. Last night was unreal. my head is still spinning. I complain to my team leader. My team leader had the same complaints that I have Yet nothing gets done. Story of my life.

is this the real life?

since when have the words “when can I see you again?” had such a huge impact on me. It’s positive yes. it’s just wow. Things like this never happen to me. I still don’t what to think. Is this real or just my mind playing games and someone being friendly and my mind overreacting to it? Every other guy I have ever attempted to get involved with, sorry to say, has started fast and also ended fast. I slept with them more than I made out with them. Hugging was even more of a rare occurance. I have already hugged this guy more than I hugged my ex boyfriend and we just met for the first time in person monday. I have made a pact with myself that I will not sleep with anyone unless I am in a committed and lasting/loving relationship. (My last relationship doesn’t count no matter how much I said no he didn’t stop until he got his way) I’m not going to let anyone break me. I’m not going to let anyone hurt me. No boy is worth my pain or suffering. I think a lot of my issues with intamacy stem from my ocd though honestly. Just looking back at what my issues are with it..yeah definitely an ocd thing.

i just do not understand

There are things I just do not understand…like the sze of clothes. 6 months ago I was weighing over 270 pounds And wearing a size 24 (they were a little loose bit not much wiggle room). Now I am down to 247 pounds and can fit into a 15/16? I do not get it. Whatsoever. How does that even make sense? I haven’t lost that much weight? I mean obviously I have lost more inches than I have weight which means I have gained muscle mass but it just doesn’t make any sense to me. I haven’t changed any of my physical activity so why is my body doing this on its own?