my heart has been shattered. This weekend has completely ripped out all faith I had in humanity. First Christina grimmie. I have been a fan of her music for at least 4 years now. I was sitting at work during my break when I found out on Saturday. Murder. It was all over the news. She couldn’t have been murdered. Maybe someone tried but got stopped. My hopeful thoughts were quickly destroyed by a fast Google search. A 22 year old girl who loves music so much and enjoyed performing just lost her life. A deranged fan they said. If this can happen to someone like her it could happen to anyone. She never did anything wrong. She had such a positive outlook on life and was an amazing role model. Then my worst fear happened. It did happen again. In the same town to be exact. How can someone go into a club and just shoot people. Take hostages and lives. People who you didn’t know. You didn’t know their lives. You didn’t know one graduated high school last year and that one had a concerned mom just on the other end of the phone. I don’t even live in Orlando nor have I ever yet my sister knew one of the murder victims. She went to school with him. Do you know how heart breaking it was to have to tell her that her friend from school was one of the victims? Disbelief was the first emotion. When she realized I wasn’t joking complete dispair was all she felt. And you know what all the victims had in common? They were at a gay club. That doesn’t mean all of them were gay necessarily. I have been to a gay club before. It makes you think though. This could literally happen to anyone. I could wake up tomorrow and it be my last day just solely on being in the wrong place at the wrong time. What’s worse is this attack was due to the fact that one person “hated” gay people. He was disgusted by seeing two men kiss in public. What he did just shaped an entire community in a negative way. People will be scared to come out among other things. He caused fear. I am not ready for what’s to come. I can only hope things move in a positive way and we don’t keep falling back in time.
I might actually scream
my new psychiatrist prescribed me Geodon because she wasn’t happy with my sleeping or manic episodes. All the progress my old psychiatrist made in a year has flown out the window in one week. You have got to be fucking kidding me? My old doctor left the practice and I was told this new one works with him. Well she is ruining everything. I have had the worst ocd episode than I have had since starting Luvox. To top it off I’m supposed to take Geodon before bed and upon waking up. The night time dose doesn’t put me to sleep but the morning dose does a great job. I can’t take that before work. I work with heavy machinery and in a job where brain capacity is important. I go back tomorrow and last week she talked about practically doubling my dose of Luvox as well as adding on a second sleeping pill. This cannot be normal. I do not want to be on a bunch of pills. There has to be something they can give me that won’t cause everything to go bonkers.
Great.
in the last month two separate guys have asked me for my phone number. Somehow one of them got it from me and now will not leave me alone. I have made it obvious to him there is no room in my life for him. I’m getting good morning texts. Seriously? I’m not the kind of girl that likes that. I HATE clingy guys. I hate them even more when I have no attraction to them in the first place. You do not need to text me every freaking day. If I wanted to talk to you I would text you. There is absolutely nothing there and you are holding on to absolutely nothing. In all honesty if I wanted a relationship it would have to be long distance so I don’t have to find excuses to not see you every freaking day. My friend that is a guy thinks I’m weird because I don’t want to ever get married. What no one understands is I am not capable of holding a relationship. I hate intimacy. Everyone says someone will come around that will change my mind but the truth of the matter is no, it won’t happen. My ex boyfriend I kissed twice. Every time I wiped my face off and he initiated it…not me. My boyfriend before that, same situation. He had to initiate it. It’s stupid for these guys to waste their time because that’s what they are doing. Wasting their time. I’m sure one day there will be a guy that I’m not 100% like this with but it won’t be him. I highly doubt it will be anyone in this state.
My smile.
you will never take away my smile again. I’m over everything you have put me through. I’m unwrapped from all the fingers. Every single fiber of my existence is unattached from you. Every one that has had a negative impact on me. I had a bad year of my life. I lost myself. That doesn’t make me. Who I am today is a beautiful person both inside and out. I am finally seeing that and I didn’t need the alcohol, sex or boys to show me any different. In fact that put me in the worst place I had ever been in. I have been happily single for over a year. I learned how to make myself happy. I learned how to love myself. I’m not settling for anything or anyone less than what I deserve ever again. The next person I lay down next to I vow to myself will be the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I am in a place in life where I’m finally okay with whatever happens. I finally feel like all these years of struggle are worth it. I’m finally okay. I have learned how to handle my swings. I have learned how to be a better person. Someday I will find the person I will spend the rest of my life with but as for now there is no rush. What matters most are the friendships I make along the way in this life. There is no rush for anything. What matters is that I continue on this path of self improvement. Everything else will fall into place. When it’s meant to be it will be.
That explains something
My Doctor has confirmed that I do in fact have pcos. This has been suspected for a long time but never confirmed. I had too many of the “bullet points” for it to not be confirmed. I ended up having Mirena inserted immediately to help regulate my periods. Unfortunately with my topamax that really brings down the types of birth controls I can have to the bare minimum. Mirena ended up just being the simplest choice for me. The first day if I wouldn’t have known better I would have sworn I was in labor. Constant contracting of my uterus. These weren’t just cramps. These were contractions and let me tell you they were no joke. I spent a couple of hours in bed scared to move because every time I tried my uterus reminded me that I had pissed it off. My ovaries have been extemely sore since a week before insertion. They will probably be sore another week or so. I’m just hoping that this works and my cycles either regulate or go away.
Year of rekindling
this year has been a year to remember and it’s only the second month of the year. First off I’m looking for an apartment with a friend. We are not jumping right into this. We are waiting a few months. Next thing my ex’s are all making their way back. Well some you can call ex’s others are far from that. This morning I woke up to a text from someone that at one point in life meant everything to me. We haven’t talked in over a year. For some reason eventually he always comes back to me. It’s weird. At one point in my life this was the guy I would have loved to spend the rest of my life with. We never actually dated. We have a very unique history. Part of me wonders if that’s still a possibility. I never wanted to think that but he’s the only guy I have ever been 100% open with. He is the only one that knows my true plan with what I want from life. We talked for a couple of hours this morning. It felt like we never lost connection. It’s not the same guy that I used to talk about. This is his friend though. In the pit of my stomach I miss him. I have never let myself admit that. I do miss him.
Tonsillectomy-day 7
i have to say I have been extremely lucky. After the horror stories I read from other people’s experiences I kept asking myself what I got myself into. My pain level has stayed at 0 for the entire week. I haven’t been relying on pain medication what so ever. The little amounts I have been taking are for migraines since I have not been taking my topamax. I figured if I’m not swallowing a bunch of pills it will help my throat heal better. My scabs started falling off in my sleep last night and so far there has been no bleeding. I was out shopping on day one and day two. I believe I may have also went out shopping on day three. I have been lucky by far. I have driven everyday this week as well and been eating full meals including hamburgers and fries. I think the worst is actually over even though I never felt it. I started drinking soda today and realized that it doesn’t burn or anything. Actually it’s making my migraines go away without pain medication. I return to work on the 21st. I can’t believe I still have to wait another week even though I’m feeling great. I’m not sure what I did that is so much different than what other people do though. I have been eating at least one meal a day. I constantly have fluids by my side. I sleep with a cool most humidifier. I definitely don’t want to complain because I realize I could be in tears right now from being in so much pain. I never even had to stop talking.
My tonsillectomy
yesterday I had a tonsillectomy using the coblation process. Going into the surgery I was expecting pain worse than the worst throat infection of my life (a viral infection lasting three months that included severe tonsillitis about 12 years ago). For starters my tonsils were not coming out due to infection though I’m sure that only made my situation worse. My tonsils were coming out due to stage 4 tonsillar hypertrophy. For those of you that do not know what this is my tonsils took up over 75% of my throat. Not only did I have this issue but I also had severe snoring (hear me across the house and through double closed doors bad) as well as tonsil stones and choking while eating. I have known for years that I could see my tonsils all the way through my throat but no doctor ever said a word to me. In October of 2014 was the first time I was ever told this might be a problem. Again in April I saw an ent and they mentioned it, it actually became a running joke between the two of us. She didn’t want to remove them until it became absolutely necessary. Well necessary came in December. I had a follow up appointment for allergies and things got worse with my tonsils. I was out immediately on steroids and told to come back one week later. If things were not any better those suckers were out. Unfortunately the conditioned worsened over that week and after multiple emails back and forth including pictures my next appointment was with her and my surgeon. I was warned that this would hurt and I would hate him for a week. My surgeon is a good guy. He did my dads surgery too just a couple weeks prior. Well yesterday was surgery time. I got to the hospital at 7am. I was immediately brought back and thirty minutes or so later I was in pre-op. While waiting to go into pre-op I was questioned to make sure everything was correct and I met with my anesthesiologist. After taking me to pre-op they quickly started an iv which sadly to say is the first time I have ever done it without my dad there as they had already took him to the waiting room. Luckily she listened to me on where to put it so it was a good experience not a bad one. My surgeon then came in to see me about 30 minutes later and made me pinky promise him that I would stay hydrated and told me the low-down. He told me he would see me in surgery in about an hour and to just take it easy and relax until then. He also apologized for the crying kid in front of me. Everyone except me needed a chill pill and I was just laying there smiling like I got this. Well then they brought me into the surgery room. I had to get into the small bed and the last thing I remember was being asked to breathe in the oxygen but I really don’t even remember too much before that exact moment or anything. I remember taking 1 or 2 breaths but that’s it. Next thing I know they were waking me up in recovery. My surgeon came in and told me everything went great and my tonsils were definitely ready to come out. He told my dad they were the worst tonsils he had ever seen. Food was even stuck behind them. He asked me how my pain level was so I swallowed a couple of times and told him 0 and he was like that’s good. He also told my dad I was smiling after surgery. They also had to shrink my adenoids. They didn’t need to be totally removed however. After I was moved to the same day surgery unit I was immediately greeted by a tray of ice chips, water, orange jello and orange Popsicles. I started eating and everything. I did everything they needed and was able to walk on my own with no assistance. My pain level was still a 0. They allowed me to go home at 12 so I was only there a total of 5 hours. Once home I kept drinking fluids and was even able to eat soft foods. My pain level has not increased yet. In fact with no medication my pain level has stayed consistently at 0. I have been able to stay fairly active which is rather nice if I do say so myself. I have been resting don’t get me wrong but I have also been trying to stay moving when given the chance. I truly believe it has kept my pain level down as well as constantly staying hydrated. I am not a baby when it comes to pain and I realize that I’m only in the first 30 hours of recovery. My uvula swelling has decreased amazingly. Honestly if I wasn’t on fmla I would be at work this weekend with how I’m feeling right now. I haven’t needed any pain medication. I have taken it before eating just in case but instead of taking 15ml I’m only taking 3ml. I just feel completely better than I did two days ago. It’s weird. If it stays this way I will be completely happy because I am honestly feeling great. I will update in a couple of days and let you know exactly how it’s going then and let you know what I’m doing. Right now I’m just happy to have the hardest part past me. No more choking on food! This was about two days before my tonsillectomy and after.
Are you really serious?
im going to die. Its just going to happen. The struggle to breathe is real and its not my bodies fault entirely. My tonsils are making everything impossible. My ears are killing me. They hurt so bad the pain is radiating to give me a headache. The pressure is so intense. Yawning hurts because my tonsils touch and its not a nice touch. Before conclusions are made i am not sick. There is no infection in my body. My throat looks great. I have a condition called tonsillar hypertrophy 4+ meaning my tonsils take up over 75% of my throat cavity. This is so severe that they cannot see past my tonsils into my throat. I saw the doctor yesterday and we are doing a steroid pack hoping that this helps bring down the tonsillar swelling. If not the next step is talking about a tonsillectomy. This i am not scared of. I have come to terms with this. Honestly i am ready for this outcome. My tonsils have become more of a nuisance than anything at this point. I found out this is what could be causing my chronic ear infections my entire life. My blown ear drum. Everything. I just want it to be over. I dont want to keep waiting and waiting. Its the waiting that makes me feel like im dying. I know this gives me obstructing sleep apnea. Look at my oxygen levels while i was in the er. Everytime i started falling asleep the monitors went off and nurses ran in because my o2 levels came crashing literally enough that i got hooked up to oxygen and they still crashed. Im just ready…
Wait what?
is my pain threshold just crazy high? Four ear piercings in each ear? Easy. Lip piercing. Simple as ever. Six tattoos. Not a problem. One of the tattoos being on my ribs? Whats all the fuss about i felt not one point of pain. The only time i felt any pain with a tattoo was my first tattoo after i touched it up 5 times. That last time wasnt very fun. Gallbladder attacks once a month for 8 years? Only one put me in the hospital. Gallbladder removal surgery? Absolutely no pain after. No tenderness. Went back to my extremely hard on my body job 6 days later. I sat up on my own in the hospital within one hour of waking up because i got tired of laying down. I walked out of the hospital. There was no surgical pain. Got my belly button pierced yesterday. No pain during piercing. Went bowling 4 hours later. No red no tenderness. I think im broken. i swear…my mom told me i was going to hate it because im fat and it will never heal right. My piercing doesnt get sucked into my belly button though so whatever.
foreverlostnotfound 