Disappear

i just want to disappear for a while. Life is complicated and i dont lik it. When did life become this complicated? Why did i want to grow up? I just feel like the world is crumbling and im losing my step. I need something to help keep me from falling through the cracks. Life has a funny way of running me down. Leaving me out. I think i disappoint my family. They dont want me. Well the idea of me is great to them they just dont want my problems. They want grandkids. A son in law. An extended family. I cant ever give that to them? How can someone that cant stay in a relationship give them that? How can they give them happiness? I have nothing left to give.

life changes

Sometimes that’s all I need. I have been known for involving myself in a few toxic situations. I’m not proud of this but I know how to use people. This has in fact gotten me in trouble because I tend to become too nice to these people. Have I mentioned I don’t believe my only problems are bipolar disorder and ocd? I’m not proud of myself. Whatsoever. Im not proud of how unattached I am. How good I am at pushing people away. For some insane reason this was something my first ex loved about me not realizing it’s something that I could do to him. That one day we could be talk about marriage and me moving in then the next we start the downward spiral of the break up. We both became cold and distant but the break up affected him more. He quit his job and moved away. I’m not even kidding. We are friends again but after he asked me if I would ever consider getting back together with him and I told him no we haven’t talked much. That was in november. What could he expect? Oh yes I would love that! …no. no Flippin way. I have been down a lot lately though. I think it’s because I have had a lot going through my head. My crazy psycho ex has been following me around work lately actually it’s to the point my dad wants me to take it to hr. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before but my dad also works with me. He works in a separate department but similar hours to me and he comes to check on me a lot. Especially now that I’m on medication. My ex and I had a whirlwind relationship. I’m not even sure how it turned into that. I never even agreed to it. The whole thing was just completely against my will. The only reason I never reported him to the police is because I’m not a birch and I know he could get deported back to africa. And what if he doesnt? What if he hurts me more? What if he costs me my job? My best friend knows he raped me. And admitted to me he had sex with me in my sleep. He made sure the first time he had sex with me I was completely drunk to where I couldn’t consensually. The only other time he wouldn’t take no for an answer and my best friend heard. I broke up with him the next day and he completely lost it. I freaked out on him and told him I never wanted it and he told me I made him feel like a rapist and I told him he was. Now he follows me around work. No wonder I’m paranoid around work. I just don’t want him to hurt me again.